I love comparing people to Smarties.
On the outside, we are all different, just like Smarties come in different colours. But underneath those differences, I believe we are far more alike than we realise.
Over the years, I have asked thousands of people what they want from life. And what I discovered taught me something important about how to create the life you want.
Although the details differ, most of us want the same four things:
- Health
- Wealth
- Fulfilling relationships
- To make a difference
And when we have all four, we will feel happy and fulfilled..
What these look like will be different for each of us. Your idea of wealth may be very different from mine. The relationships that fulfil you may look completely different from somebody else’s. And we will each have our own way of making a difference.
But the essence is remarkably similar.
Prefer to watch rather than read?
In this video, I share the four steps and a personal experience that showed me how much I could benefit from applying them myself.
So, if we know what we want, why aren’t we all creating it?
I have found four steps that can guide us towards creating the life we want.
Step 1: Be in Touch with Your Emotions
We can simplify our many emotions into two broad categories: we feel good or we feel bad. I like to think of these feelings as our inner compass. When we feel good about the direction we are travelling, our compass is telling us we are aligned with our goals. When we continually feel bad, we are out of alignment.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t like uncomfortable feelings. We distract ourselves; we live in our heads; we numb our feelings. Or we simply soldier on. But soldiering on doesn’t necessarily get us where we want to go. Eventually, we may find ourselves unhappy at work, struggling in our relationships or feeling the effects of prolonged stress in our bodies.
Instead of ignoring the compass, what if we listened to it? That brings us to step two.
Step 2: Make Feeling Good Your Top Priority
First, let me explain what I don’t mean by feeling good. I’m not talking about doing something that feels good for a few minutes but creates consequences we regret later. And I am certainly not suggesting that other people become responsible for making us feel good.
When something happens to us, we experience it through our own inner filter. That filter has been shaped by our beliefs, previous experiences and expectations. Another person doesn’t control that filter.If we want to experience something differently, the place to begin is inside ourselves.
Taking responsibility for feeling good begins with calming ourselves when we are upset.
I love holding the Positive Points, also known as Emotional Stress Release Points. This allows us to experience the physical sensation of the emotion rather than pushing it away.
If we are angry, acknowledge it:
- I’m angry right now.
- I give myself permission to feel angry.
The important part is that we don’t keep going over the story of what the other person did. Stay with the feeling.
- We may say:
- It’s okay that I’m angry.
- Or, if it feels appropriate: I forgive myself for feeling like this.
Suppressing anger can allow it to build until we explode later. Acknowledging it gives us an opportunity to calm down by diffusing it. Then we can discover what is underneath it.
Once we are calmer, we can explore why we were upset. There are two common situations that can trigger uncomfortable emotions.
The first involves difficult people. That’s when we can benefit from using the mirror of life. I explain this process in more detail in my article and video, Why Befriend the Mirror?
The second is resistance.
We could be resisting a situation or something we know we could do. That’s when it is time to move to step three.
Step 3: Unearth Your Limiting Beliefs and Shift Them
Is there something you could do to move towards the life you want, but you really don’t want to do it? This is where I suggest we start looking for the limiting beliefs underneath that resistance. Two questions I find particularly useful are:
What am I afraid of?
And:
If I get what I want, what is the worst that could happen?
That second question sounds counterintuitive, but our subconscious mind can associate getting what we want with danger.
Imagine, for example, that we believe: I’m not enough. Consciously, we may want to replace that with: I am enough. But our subconscious runs ahead: If I believe I’m enough, perhaps I’ll become proud. If I’m proud, I’ll become arrogant. If I’m arrogant, people may not like me. Then I will end up alone.
The subconscious catastrophises potential threats in an attempt to keep us safe.
Suddenly, “I am enough” doesn’t look so safe!
There is another reason we may hold on to limiting beliefs: they may have given us something valuable. If we believe we’re not enough, we may work extremely hard to prove that we are. Perhaps that belief has driven us to become successful, kind, helpful or humble.
Our subconscious will resist letting go of “I’m not enough” because it doesn’t want to lose those qualities. This is why it is important to reassure our subconscious mind before replacing the belief:
- I will keep being kind.
- I will keep being humble.
- I will keep working towards excellence
- I will keep all these qualities, even without the belief that I’m not enough.
Then we can begin replacing the old belief with: I am enough.
At the end of the blog, I have a gift that can assist with this process.
Step 4: Listen to the Advice You Give Others
This step can be rather inconvenient!
Over many years, both personally and as a coach, I have noticed that the advice we give someone else is very often advice we will benefit from within 48 hours. So listen carefully to what you tell other people — and even to the advice you think about giving them but don’t actually say.
The Experience That Inspired This Blog
Last week, I was upset with a friend.We had been arguing backwards and forwards and getting nowhere. Eventually, I walked away. That was step one: I recognised that I was upset.
When I had the opportunity, I went into my office and worked on step two.
- I calmed myself down.
- I acknowledged my anger, breathed, forgave myself for feeling what I was feeling and gave myself permission to be angry.
- I didn’t keep replaying our argument.
- I focused on myself and my feelings.
Once I was calm, I looked into my favourite mirror — the mirror of life.
I had been telling my friend: “You’re not doing what it takes to create the life you want.”
Then it hit me. Oops! I’m not doing what it takes to create the life I want either.
More specifically, I wasn’t doing everything it takes to create the business I want. There are certain things, particularly around marketing, that I dread doing.And I am remarkably good at finding perfectly reasonable excuses for avoiding them! Suddenly, other tasks become incredibly urgent. It was time for step three.
Unearthing My Limiting Beliefs and Shifting Them
I asked myself:
What am I afraid of?
And:
If I create the successful business I want, what is the worst that could happen?
Two beliefs surfaced.
The first was: If my business becomes very successful, I will have more money — and having money is dangerous. That belief made sense in the context of my past. My first husband lost his life during an armed robbery. I share more about that experience in my origin story.
The second belief was: If I build a successful business, I could become so absorbed in it that I lose my close relationship with the Divine.
Somewhere inside me, I had created a choice: Business or God.
As I sat prayerfully with this, I asked for Divine guidance. Then a thought came to me. What if my business doesn’t take me away from the Divine?
What if I invite the Divine into my business?
I can ask for inspiration about what to do next. I can work with my resistance rather than forcing myself through it.
And then step four came back to me: Listen to the advice you’ve been giving your friend.
Instead of Forcing Myself, I Can Expand My Comfort Zone
I had been telling my friend:
- Make feeling good your priority.
- Calm yourself before moving forward.
- When you feel resistance, don’t think too far ahead.
- Stay in the moment.
- Focus on the task in front of you.
- Tell yourself: “Let it be easy.”
Suddenly I realised: I can do that too!
We often hear that success requires us to get out of our comfort zone or “eat the frog” first thing in the morning. For me, there is another possibility. Instead of forcing myself out of my comfort zone, I can do the inner work and expand my comfort zone. Then the task I dreaded will no longer feel so dreadful.
If getting started is where you get stuck, I have written more about this in How to Start When You Don’t Feel Like It.
The most interesting part is that I am no longer upset with my friend. I’m grateful for the argument because it showed me something about myself. Instead of focusing on whether my friend is creating the life they want, I can focus on me creating the life I want.
What About You?
- Are you creating the life you want?
- How are your health, wealth and relationships?
- Are you making the difference you would love to make?
- And perhaps most importantly: Are you listening to your emotional compass, or are you soldiering on?
When you encounter resistance, become curious about it.
- What are you afraid of?
- What does your subconscious fear could happen if you actually get what you want?
- And what advice have you recently given someone else that might apply equally well to you?
A Free Gift to Get You Started
Healthy self-esteem makes it easier to move forward, deal with setbacks and take another step towards what we want. That is why I created the Confident You iThrives.
The iThrive audios contain affirmations, but I don’t believe affirmations alone are always enough. If an old limiting belief is still part of our filter, simply putting a new statement on top of it may not shift what is happening underneath.
The iThrives therefore include release statements designed to reassure the subconscious that we can keep the valuable qualities we developed even after releasing the limiting beliefs attached to them. They also release the limiting beliefs before replacing them with supportive ones.
You simply play the audios softly in the background during the day or while you sleep. And I’m listening to the Confident You iThrives myself at the moment as I work on my own resistance and stop playing small.
You can access the Confident You iThrives for free here:
And I will leave you with the same question I asked at the end of my video:
What is the last piece of advice you gave to someone else that you could benefit from applying to your own life?
Please write your answer as a comment on my video