Sometimes refusing to let go can take a relationship somewhere you never expected.
How Important Is Romance in a Long-Term Relationship?
If we look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, we can think of our needs in three broad tiers. At the foundation are our basic needs: our physiological and safety requirements. We want to feel safe and have food, water, air, shelter and the things that allow us to survive. If these basic requirements aren't met within a relationship, creating a fulfilling relationship will be more difficult. The second tier includes love, belonging and social connection. Romance fits beautifully here. It can build connection with our loved one and be a way of expressing and receiving love. But there is another level: esteem and self-actualisation — becoming the best version of ourselves. And this is where relationships can become particularly interesting.Relationships as Opportunities for Personal Growth
In my personal experience as a coach, and from what I have read over many years, relationships can give us extraordinary opportunities for personal growth — particularly through dealing with unresolved childhood experiences. How often have you heard someone say, "She married her father" or "He married his mother"? We will most likely bring unresolved patterns from childhood into our adult relationships. Our partner may accidentally trigger beliefs that we formed long before we ever met them. I don't particularly like seeing these experiences only as wounds, because they can offer wonderful opportunities for personal growth. They also bring us gifts in the form of virtues. In my Mirror work, I look at the virtues we have already developed through the difficult challenges we experienced when we were young. For example, when we felt abandoned, we may have compensated by becoming kind, considerate and loving. These are virtues we gained through hardship — and we want to keep those virtues. Instead of simply asking: "Why is my partner doing this to me?" we can begin exploring: "What is this showing me about myself?" I recently worked with a client who was experiencing difficulties in her marriage. As we explored what was happening, we discovered that the pattern around the lack of love she was feeling went all the way back to when she was two years old. Her relationship was bringing an old pattern to the surface. She now had an opportunity to make peace with it and now create something different in her relationship.
When we focus on romancing our partner, much of our attention is on the external world — what we do, what our partner does, how we interact and what we experience together. There is nothing wrong with that.
I like looking at our external world as a reflection of what is happening internally. Our beliefs about ourselves, our lives, what we deserve and how lovable we believe we are can show up in our relationships.
Perhaps we are upset because we don't feel loved by our partner.
But when we look inward and ask, "How good am I at loving and accepting myself?", we may discover that we aren't particularly good at giving ourselves the love and acceptance we want from someone else.
How can we expect another person to give us something that we struggle to give ourselves?
If we want to be loved by others, I suggest that we start by loving ourselves.
This is why I see marriage and long-term relationships as wonderful opportunities to resolve some of those childhood issues by shifting some of our focus from the external to the internal.
Not to become selfish. To grow.
When we focus on our own personal growth, we aren't asking our partner to do all the changing. We begin looking at ourselves, and as we change internally, our experience of the relationship can change too.
Can a Relationship Survive Without Romance?
I believe it can. A lack of romance doesn't automatically mean a lack of love. Your partner may simply express love very differently from you. Romance can bring warmth, fun and connection to a relationship, but it doesn't carry the whole relationship. Friendship, acceptance, personal growth and a shared purpose can all contribute to a strong and fulfilling long-term relationship. So if you're thinking, "My husband isn't romantic" or "My partner doesn't give me the affection or attention I want," it may be worth looking beyond what you're not receiving. That doesn't mean pretending that you don't want those things. It means looking at what else is available to you — including what you can begin giving yourself.Give Yourself What You Want to Receive
During the 25 years Cobus and I have been married, there have been times when he couldn't give me what I wanted. Perhaps you experience that too.- Maybe you don't receive the compliments you would like.
- Maybe you don't receive the recognition you want.
- Maybe you don't feel supported in the way you hoped you would be.
What Makes a Long-Term Relationship Last?
There isn't one magic ingredient. One of the most rewarding things I have experienced in a relationship is having shared purpose and shared goals. That shared purpose might be:- Raising a family.
- Building something together.
- Working together to make a difference or get a message out into the world.