Why befriend the mirror? Because it can reveal the beliefs and patterns that keep us feeling powerless and stuck—and show us how to shift them.
What do you think is the most unpopular piece of furniture in my coaching practice?
The chair someone sits on?
No. It is the mirror I invite people to look into.
Whenever I make that suggestion, I see a slight cringe. I can almost hear my clients thinking:
Really? Do I have to look into that mirror again?
And sometimes I cringe too. 😊
Why do we resist it so much—and why do I continue returning to it?
Would you rather watch or listen?
Watch the video below. If you prefer reading, continue with the article.
What Do I Mean by Looking in the Mirror?
I am not talking about the bathroom mirror where we look ourselves in the eye and tell ourselves that we are loved and worthy.
That is valuable work, but it is not the mirror I am referring to here.
I am talking about the mirror Jesus described around 2,000 years ago when he asked why we notice the speck in someone else’s eye while overlooking the beam in our own.
In other words, before judging someone else and expecting them to change, we look at ourselves first.
When we strongly dislike someone’s behaviour, the mirror asks:
Where might I be doing something similar—to myself or someone else?
That is usually the moment when we want to throw the mirror in the bin.
Why Looking in the Mirror Can Hurt
Imagine that you are dealing with:
- A politician whose actions and policies frustrate you.
- A narcissistic boss who is blocking your career.
- A partner with an irritating habit.
- A family member who constantly focuses on what is wrong.
- Someone who has treated you unfairly or disrespectfully.
Our natural reaction is to point out everything that person is doing wrong. The mirror interrupts us and asks us to look within.
That can hurt.
We don’t enjoy discovering that we may be doing something similar to the person we dislike. It can feel as though the mirror is telling us that we are bad.
But that is not what the mirror is saying.
It is showing us a behaviour, belief or emotional pattern that we can change. Making a mistake does not make us a bad person. It makes us human—and gives us somewhere to grow.
Don’t Look While You Are Still Upset
Timing matters.
Looking into the mirror while we are still upset rarely works. Our ego feels threatened, we become defensive, and we find countless reasons why the mirror is a load of rubbish.
First, allow the emotion to settle.
Then return to the situation and ask:
- Why did this affect me so strongly?
- What belief or expectation might be underneath my reaction?
- Where could I be treating myself or someone else in a similar way?
- What can I change within myself?
- What action can I now take?
The mirror is not an instrument of judgement. It is an instrument of change.
The Mirror Is About Removing the Beam
Jesus did not say: “Identify the speck in the other person’s eye and identify the beam in your own.”
That would merely leave us feeling bad about both people.
He spoke about removing the beam from our own eye first.
The purpose is not simply to admit that we have a problem. The purpose is to change what we discover.
This is where forgiveness becomes so important. Let’s acknowledge that we have carried a limiting belief or repeated an unhealthy pattern without attacking ourselves for it.
We may have formed that belief when we were very young—often too young to recognise that it was not necessarily true.
Now we can forgive ourselves and choose to behave differently. That is how we remove the beam.
Does This Mean Accepting Bad Behaviour?
Not at all.
Looking into the mirror does not mean accepting abuse, ignoring injustice or pretending that someone’s behaviour is acceptable.
Sometimes the most appropriate response is to speak up, hold someone accountable, leave the situation or take legal action.
The mirror is not about putting our heads in the sand. It allows us to respond from greater clarity instead of reacting from fear, anger or helplessness.
Even when justice is unavailable—perhaps because the person responsible was never caught or never admitted what they did—the mirror can still guide us towards reclaiming our inner peace.
What Can Change When We Look in the Mirror?
When we change what is happening within us, one of four things happens. In the 30 years I have worked with the mirror, I have not seen an exception.
- The person moves out of our life, or we move away from the situation.
- The person changes.
- Their behaviour no longer irritates or controls us in the same way.
- We discover a more creative and effective way of dealing with them, which may include holding them accountable.
Alongside whichever of these four changes occurs, there is a fifth outcome—and this is what makes the mirror so valuable:
We discover an action we can take to move forward and change the dynamics of a frustrating situation in which we previously felt stuck.
That is how the mirror gives us much of our power back.
The small knock to our ego is far less painful than remaining stuck in a situation where we feel powerless.
How Can an Inner Change Affect Our Experience of Life?
Think about what happens when you open YouTube.
YouTube has billions of videos available, yet it selects only a few to place on your screen. Its algorithms base those suggestions on your interests, previous behaviour, searches and viewing habits.
Long before technology developed algorithms, our brains were already using their own sophisticated filtering system. Modern algorithms do electronically what our brains have always done biologically: they select, prioritise and present information according to established patterns.
An enormous amount of information enters through our senses, but we consciously notice only a small part of it.
Our brains filter that information according to:
- Our interests.
- Where we place our attention.
- What we expect.
- Most importantly, what we believe.
Beliefs are thoughts we have repeated so often that we experience them as truth.
Many of them were formed before the age of seven. They were shaped by childhood experiences, trauma, upbringing, culture, religion and even patterns inherited through our family line.
They are buried in our subconscious. That is why we are often unaware of them. Yet these beliefs influence what we notice, how we interpret events and how we experience life.
An Example: Feeling Disrespected
Imagine that you strongly dislike people who treat you or others disrespectfully.
Your brain becomes highly alert to disrespect. It notices every person who dismisses you, overlooks you or treats you inconsiderately.
At the same time, it may filter out many of the people who treat you with kindness and consideration.
Then you look into the mirror and discover that you are often disrespectful towards yourself.
Perhaps, deep in your subconscious, you carry the belief:
I am not worthy of respect.
You may disrespect yourself by:
- Rejecting or judging your feelings.
- Attacking yourself when you make a mistake.
- Keeping quiet about what matters to you.
- Waiting for other people to appreciate you while rarely appreciating yourself.
- Continually putting yourself last.
This discovery is not an invitation to blame yourself for how someone else behaves. That person remains responsible for their actions.
I explore this distinction between personal responsibility and blame more deeply in Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
The mirror is an invitation to change how you treat yourself.
- Begin by accepting your feelings. Instead of becoming angry with yourself for feeling angry, you can say: I am angry right now, and I can accept that this is how I feel.
- Remain kind towards yourself when you make a mistake and look for a way to correct it instead of beating yourself up.
- Give yourself some of the appreciation you have been waiting to receive from others.
- Speak up about what matters to you.
As your relationship with yourself changes, your filter begins to change too.
You start noticing how many people treat you well. You may even begin noticing moments when the person you regarded as disrespectful behaves with kindness or consideration.
The whole world may not have changed.
Your filter has—and when your filter changes, your experience of life changes with it.
This is the same principle I explored in Disaster or Adventure? How Perception Changes Everything.
The Gift Hidden in the Mirror
The mirror reveals beliefs and patterns that would otherwise remain hidden.
We do not look at them so that we can judge ourselves. We look at them so that we can forgive ourselves, change what no longer serves us and choose a different way of living.
That is why I keep returning to the mirror.
Not because it is comfortable, but because it is worthwhile.
One belief at a time.
One relationship at a time.
One situation at a time.
The mirror does not show us what is wrong with us.
It shows us the next step towards creating the life we want.
And that is why the mirror and I have become such good friends.
What Has Your Mirror Revealed?
Has someone who irritated you ever revealed something valuable about yourself?
I would love to hear what you discovered. Please visit YouTube and share your experience in the comments.
If this message gave you a different way of looking at the challenging people and situations in your life, please like the video and subscribe to my YouTube channel. Each like, comment and subscription allows this message to reach more people.
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Have fun and take some risks.
Hanna Kok